First thoughts words to record before I Stop trying, and macbook about to die nerves so bad again I had stomach issues think i went in to mild shock after- felt freezifng cold and shivery was so numbed with terror I willed myself to get the fuck on with it felt old, tired, veiny flabby pushed out the voice of negativity and dud it slipping [...]
I've been here before. Its the effort and time you expend making the application/submission/proposal, then the email of No-ness. This one was very good, it said 'I don't have the privilege to work with you this time around' I mean, you've got to put your hands together for that elegant turn of rejective phrase. One must pull up ones socks and remember what the Stoics [...]
Ive been very negligent with my blogging and I miss it. There are a myriad of reasons not worth going into right now as to why this has occurred. Suffice to say I mean to try and get back into it. Last Saturday I went to IMMA to perform with BBeyond, the longstanding Northern Irish Performance art Collective, based out of Belfast. It was their [...]
September and October are done, hurtled through in a hurry of dark days, incessant rain, schedule keeping, hustling through the days trying to get everything done, keeping on keeping on. food shopping, lifts, activities, homework, training, pig food procuring, dog and pig walks, emails, planning, cooking, etc. November now. Christmas will be here before I can blink. Christmas plan- take up meditation in an attempt [...]
had one of those days. mild anxiety and worry about not being productive enough, as I feel the hours tick by and stress levels go up because I have not completed any applications trained Even though this morning I have: Gotten kids up and facilitated early morning Physio visit rushed around tidying and organising gaff in preparation for Joana to come and clean Picked up [...]
When I was 15 I used to go out running in the early mornings before school. I remember feeling very vulnerable and exposed as jogged/stumbled along, my glasses fogging up. i remember vaguely being shouted at and windows being rolled down and cars slowing down. And in my hugely naive childish 15 year old gawky clumsy spectacled teenage innocence not thinking that grown individuals would [...]
'Post performance, as usual struck by the post action low, feeling bereft and ridiculous and sad. And mortal. Questioning the point of the whole thing. And why it has to be a performance with people watching. And which parts were for the performative nature of the whole thing and which parts were me. And if this mattered or changed the authenticity of things, as if [...]
I got the crawl done yesterday. 2 done 1 to go! Wasnt as bad as Id thought. Or rather Id been right in thinking it would be mentally easier than the tide map walk. I put some thoughts into my phone notes at end of the experience- i will copy and paste directly here- misspells and all- and then revisit later. Notes on mullaghmore pilgrimage [...]
July is just over. i tried to make a drawing of myself a day for the month. Didn't manage that but got 21 done out of 31 days. Not bad. Realistic goals are required to get through the summer intact. I needed a way to stay rooted in the present, as the months tend to fly by in a stressed out slightly irritable haze of [...]
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