I’ve been here before. Its the effort and time you expend making the application/submission/proposal, then the email of No-ness. This one was very good, it said ‘I don’t have the privilege to work with you this time around’ I mean, you’ve got to put your hands together for that elegant turn of rejective phrase.
One must pull up ones socks and remember what the Stoics said: its your response to the rejection that you can control, not the choices others make. Plus the protracted period of time it took to get the reply meant I pretty much knew what the answer was going to be.
I am pre-occupied with other matters. Pre. Occ. You Pie-ed. I have my performance at Revision Festival this Saturday, for which in some ways I am ready. I squeezed multiple globules of ultrasound gel into my finally found perfect 5litre canister, and did a test run of the performance. Id recorded my breathing/laughing strange noises accompaniment the other day. A short test run mind. That was more than enough. In these situations, when preparing for a performance, I always have to remind myself that the gold standard is in my head. There are no comparisons to be made. I must live up to my own expectations only.
So many thoughts! Thinking about my Irish shame and general repugnance of the flesh. We are not supposed to hate ourselves these days, it’s not fashionable. One is supposed to love oneself and apply self care. When confronted with my 47 (nearly 48) year old body in the mirror I feel more ambivilence than anything else. It’s a body. No more no less. I do have strong feelings about the politicisation of the female body in general though. And how in various parts of the world culture and patriarchy dictate what a woman can and cannot do and which of their body parts they can and cannot show. I feel huge anger and general fuck you ness. I worry will it be embarrassing for my family. What if my kids see it and are confused? I worry I will look ridiculous and pathetic. But this is all normal. And the usual pre performance voice I always hear talking to me. I remind myself the majority of my Saturday will be spent travelling. A small 30/45 min period will be spent performing. And it’s my privilege and my situational good fortune to be able to do any of this.
Must go finish my workshop planning for Austria. Apparently it’s sleety and cold there.