First thoughts

words to record before I Stop trying, and macbook about to die

nerves so bad again I had stomach issues

think i went in to mild shock after- felt freezifng cold and shivery

was so numbed with terror I willed myself to get the fuck on with it

felt old, tired, veiny flabby

pushed out the voice of negativity and dud it

slipping about on the ground

started, actually breathing calmly

the power of the mind

felt so old and angry- fuck everyonw I have the right to do this

voice in my own head

globbgn gel onto myself listenign to the madness of teh soundtrack

heainr someone laughing from the audience at the madness of the soundtrack at least, when it was at its most frenetic they laughed too. I was pleased as I wanted the silliness, irritatingness and weird jarring nature of soundtrack to interfere with the visual of me

trying to alternatie my rubbing sapping movements without showign the whoel audence my intimate parts

wndering why I even was still thinking this way when i was unclothed covered in ultrasound gel on the ground in front of them

showering and literally smearing globules of gel off myself and habign to rub it off as was so much of it

talkign to bryan from Bbeyond after and his thoughts- interesting. he mentionde japanaese artist and cookign oil n and him falling and the sound fo the smacking flesh ab=gains teh ground. also the soundtrack and the semiotics of the gel

I think I will ask some of the artists there- Sinead, Day, Emma, maybe Jen, for written feedback asi need it . will write for htem also.

feel very vulnerable and old tonught. I think I am glad I did it thought. Actually too tired to care now.


I wrote that above the night i got back from Belfast, after drinking at least 2 large glasses of wine, and as can be read, I couldn’t even type properly. But I wanted to get down my immediate thoughts and I am glad I did. Now, a couple of days later, I am in St Gilgens, Austria. I flew out today to see Kirsty, from OCA MA, to work with her on her PHD. Essentially to make the a performance about Dusk, as previously mentioned. I am a couple of days separated now from RUB, the performance action as I said, and am still feeling emotional about it but now can be a little more objective, and am definitely glad I did it. Still have not seen any photos so am very much braced for those when I get them. Off now to put together the workshops for tomorrow, and collapse into bed.