I recently got myself in to a knot over the fact that I am literally unable to make the work I want to make right now. Given covid, lockdown, 5k max journey, social distancing, yada yada. I can’t legitimately ask anyone to help me, I cant access the venue I want to make it in, I can’t.. and the self-centred moaning continues :)

Obviously if the ideas are that good and that fucking fabulous they can wait. They can gestate until the opportunity knocks. Until then I can write them down and plan.

Lately I’ve been thinking about applying for a PHD study pathway. I say pathway as I’ve learned you have to call yourself a research student for the first chunk of your time until you prove that you are indeed PHD material. This framework model differs depending on whereabouts in the world you study I am told. But it’s this way in UK universities, which is where I am focusing on applying currently. This phd research question research (?) has resulted in the reading of my contextual studies and looking back over my practice over the last couple of years, I’ve been thinking about it’s direction. My practice’s direction I mean. Even saying ‘my practice’ sounds quite pompous to me. As does ‘performance art’. But that’s not relevant now.

Quite impressive deviation from the topic, again, in only the 2nd paragraph.

After my masters I found myself alone again in my practice of art, literally. I had learned, during my studies, the value of a cohort in my 3 years of online learning. Even if they were a far away community, only reachable through my laptop, they were still my community. My community who knew me, and were familiar with my work. And who, at the time, were in the same situation as me.

Yes, I should be making my own community of creatives here, and by some degree I have managed this, as I have made some friends and met some likeminded creatives out there in Ireland over the last 2 years. A few times artists I admire have reached out to me with a message in reference to some of my work, which was a very affirming moment for me. In that it felt like a recognition from others who understand the notion of working towards an idea. I am trying to say that sometimes it feels like it’s all based around chasing a feeling of molecular synchronicity- when the air, the energy, the space feels right and everything starts to flow and you feel… right. Literally chasing an ephemeral experience. Like when I’ve been quietly shitting myself for weeks about a performance piece and then I do it and feel so fleshly, so mortal, so trembly and human, but then you push on and it start to flow and lo! the synchronicity happens, and the fleshy, sweaty, human feelings don’t stop, but they merge and align with the feeling of… making.

I’m due to start some mentoring next week and I need to be thinking about what I want to achieve from the sessions. I am not sure how I feel about looking back over the work from the last year. I need to ask myself what was it that I was/am trying to get, trying to achieve, from the work.