It’s Thursday 3rd June. The weeks are rolling by so incredibly fast its hard to place value on time. I feel like I’ve just bought a bottle of wine on a Friday to ‘congratulate’ myself for getting through the week (the weekend is the same as the week right now) when its Wednesday again. I feel anxious, like Im not doing enough, a little stuck in this cycle of domesticity and child minding with no respite. By which I mean no respite till September when my kids go back to school, hopefully for them full time. And by stuck I mean the options are limited right now, I fully accept my kids are my responsibility and I am glad to have them near me right now and my primary job right now is their welfare. But not having mornings to myself to make work and to think about things creatively is taking its toll. I am a disaster for constantly berating myself that I should be doing making producing more, which is not a helpful thought process at present. Basically this time is a challenge like any other which has to be met and addressed, in whatever ways it can be.

I am doing an online residency on instagram with Making Space, a Lisburn based gallery who want artists to takeover their feed for 5 days at a time to post stuff about making space. Because right now its about creating opportunities, and taking whatever ones come my way. Similar to the GFAANA Hands project contribution it’s unpaid but the positive way to look at this is that it means I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. Its not till the 26 June I think so If I am thinking like I’m thinking now it will be about space and time- the space to make work- the physical space needed and the actual hours and minutes needed. Making space out of wherever, and stealing the time here and there out of the day, always in a rush. And how this affects the work thats made.

Now I also submitted an idea to LADA, Live Art Development Agency, a UK based group who are promoting several online programs of events right now. I submitted an idea for their online Summer programme which has a platform called ‘Once More with Feeling’. SO as before I have absolutely no guarantee of this being selected, SO, I need to make it anyway. .

Working through our feelings (LADA submission)

Working through our feelings: an audience participative live performance to camera. The artist will write down something (on a whiteboard/ blackboard/ paper on wall) that is currently pissing them off. It could be a cultural mainstream issue or a personal issue, for example: Recent racial violence in the USA/ Their (the artists) varicose veins/ American politics/ Their (the artists) failure to secure a visual arts bursary, 3 times in a row/ Covid 19 travel restrictions

And then the A invites the audience to also write something down, that’s upsetting or annoying them. The artist will then exercise for 1 minute- for example jogging on the spot, or doing squats, or lunges, push ups, etc, and again the audience will be invited to do this. We are working through our feelings together- the exercise is a cathartic physical action in response to the feeling invoked from writing out the issue that’s upsetting you.

This procedure is repeated- write down something that is annoying/upsetting you, then exercise (as dictated by the artist) and repeat, until  A: you have written down absolutely everything you can think of that’s currently upsetting you, and exercised in response to each one, hence you have sufficiently worked through your feelings. B: You have run out of time to continue C: You can no longer summon up the emotional OR physical energy to continue, hence you have sufficiently worked through your feelings. 

The artist would verbalise the proceedings throughout and deliver the performance in a semi- tutorial vein, as if teaching a class. Modifications and adaptations would be provided for all the exercises in the interests of safety. 

So obviously I can see this exactly the way I’d like to see it performed in my head. I don’t know how well I managed to describe it in my submission. I imagine it as starting off very bright, informative and cheerful, with a lightly manic undertones. As the performance progresses the bright instructional bit diminishes and the manic undertones dominate until its just about staying together by the end. The writing starts off neat and legible and finishes off as a scrawled undecipherable mess. Obviously I need to try this as soon as possible. Where? When? Maybe in my kitchen, if the kids and Ronan were out? Would my camera phone hold up? I envisage it, the performance, lasting about 30-45 mins. I can but try.

I Need To Be Ready 11-15: I want to do this in a forested area. actions include hanging from a tree branch, hiding, shouting as loud as I can, climbing, and one more.. This also needs to be done asap, so as to have 15 actions completed. Big problem at present, my laptop knackered, in shop seeing if hard drive can be rescued at all. its been in there nearly 4 weeks now and I have called in twice, like an anxious mother. All my fucking college work is on there, and all my work since graduating. Of course not backed up. So no original files of the previous tasks 1-10. I will not panic.. It could be re-sourced yet. I went to this lump of land my parents-in-law own today, to see if it would be a suitable spot to make the tasks. But there were loads of young cows there who jogged (do cows jog?) over to see me as soon as I hopped the gate. Unfamiliar with cow social behavioural habits as I am I did not know whether to retreat or boldly step into their midst. One bigger dark dude, handsome and somewhat thick looking, eyed me at the front with a confrontative stare. I decoded it was time to retreat. No more field trip assignments for me today! According to Ronan they would not have done anything, but how was I to know?

Austria project– good news is its actually happening. Original idea- crawling around in a pit. Need to think about the logistics of actually making this. Drumcenora? JCB?

Collaborative Work w Eleanor. Not getting anywhere with this but I need to instigate. I will retry this week.

Clare Kids Art comp- to finish- I need to get the last 2 portraits finished. I am on no 3. See the first 2 below. Its calming work and quite satisfying, once I get them right that is.